Steven Wright
I love this guy so much that he deserves his own section. Click here to read some of my favorites.

English subtitles used in Hong Kong films

I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert floor for your aunts to eat.

Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!

Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants!

Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.

Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

Quiet or I'll blow your throat up!

Some favorite quotes

Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.
- Groucho Marx

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why God? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, "There's just something about you that pisses me off."
- Stephen King

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
- Jerry Seinfeld

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
-Steve Martin

Some days it don't pay to get outta bed.
- Foghorn Leghorn

Have you ever noticed that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
- George Carlin

You're only given a little spark of madness. If you lose that, you're nothing.
- Robin Williams

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
- Groucho Marx

Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive.
- Bugs Bunny

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
- Lily Tomlin

If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.
- Katherine Hepburn

If you live to be 100, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
- George Burns

Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain

Television has raised writing to a new low.
- Samuel Goldwyn

Names are not always what they seem. The common Welsh name BZJXXLLWCP is pronounced Jackson.
- Mark Twain

Reality leaves a lot to the imagination.
-John Lennon


Funniest analogies
These were emailed to me and I have no idea who originated them, but they're something else.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.


Can you say stupid?

I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
- Miss Alabama 1994

Sorry, I don't follow tennis so I don't know much about you.
- Christina Aguilera to Tiger Woods

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
- Maria Carey

Please provide the date of your death.
-from an IRS letter

We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?
- Lee Iacocca, former Chrysler Chairman

Minks are mean little critters. Vicious, horrible little animals who eat their own. They're not beavers. I wouldn't wear beavers. I'd rather have a mink coat made of mean little critters that are killed in a very nice way and treated nicely for their short, mean lives so that I could keep warm.
- Valerie Perrine, Actress

I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix.
- Dan Quayle

I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.
- Dan Quayle

And how about these:

Bite the wax tadpole.
- "Coca Cola" as originally translated into Chinese

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
- sign in a Japanese hotel

Whorehouse
- colloquial translation of Puffs tissues in German

Tuesday at 4:00 pm, there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.
- printed in a church bulletin

Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly.
-Batman costume warning label

Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
- ad by a Hong Kong dentist

First, carry to fire.
- instructions on a fire extinguisher

Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.
- sign in men's clothing store

Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave.
- Chinese literal translation of "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" slogan

Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
- sign In a Tokyo bar

Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
- sign in the window of a Swedish furrier

To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
- sign in a Belgrade hotel elevator


(If you're not laughing by now, your sense of humor is just not warped enough and needs a serious overhaul.)