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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...So then I filled the humidifier with wax and left it on. Now everything in my house is shiny. Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing. There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices ... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air. I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles an hour. I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that." I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time. I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home across the street except the little kids, I go out and lift my house up over my head. I tell them to stay out of my yard or I'll throw it at them. I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot. Today I...........No, that wasn't me. When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes." I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child. When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard ... I was an only child ... eventually. Winnie and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. I bought some batteries... but they weren't included so I had to buy them again. Four years ago........no, it was yesterday. One day when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it ... and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here." Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway. I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving. One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read." I have a map of the United States ... its original size. It says one mile equals one mile. Sometimes I ... No, I don't. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night? Power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach ... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life." Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash...I took 65 pictures of myself making a sandwich. My neighbors thought it was lightning in my house so they called the cops. What's another word for thesaurus? I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep" I said "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep." I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of a Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it. I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants but you couldn't park anywhere near the place. I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it. I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes. I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add. I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I replied, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long. I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go." I like to paint passing lines on curved roads. I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier, they wouldn't have to go so fast. I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway. I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees today," and I said "Oops." Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world. I went fishing with a dotted line ... I caught every other fish. I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell ... except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window. Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. I like to reminisce with people I don't know. I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit. When I get real, real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree. The other day I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80-foot stepladder with a coat hanger.
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